Mapua.Confession.Wall

#MapuaConfessionWall1 Hi admin, mukha naman na walang masyadong nakakapansin dito so dito nalang ako mag trauma dump. Sorry po if ever pero this page seems comforting naman and ayoko lang na masira ang mood dun sa ibang wall sa biglang pag open up ko.So hi, I'm an introvert since chidhood. Ang mga nakasama ko as friends are my cousins and yung iba na i know is just friends ng mga kapatid ko and sinusubukan lang nila iinclude minsan pero since childhood till now, im having a hard time makipag socialise and communicate sa ibang tao or to a crowd. I feel like that's a big part kaya im having a hard time makipag friends till shs and college. I like being alone, i enjoy my company and i like my peace. But i gained some friends dati nung shs, i love my circle. Matatalino sila na mga babae, mabait and nageexcel sa academic but still knows how to have fun. I messed things up admin kasi i had a relapse and lumayo ako sa mga tao nung time na yon. And when i felt okay na, nakipag connect ako sa circle ko but i felt na I don't belong na dun,nung una i tried to fit in pa but may inside jokes na akong hindi alam,may codename ng mga crushes and may chika sila na nung tinanong ko sasabihin lang nila na ah,wala ka pala nun kaya di mo alam but still hindi rin nila sinasabi. It bothered me admin kasi the circle na brought me joy,ingay,and light is not letting me in. Idk if dun ba nagstart yung fear ko na mapagiwanan, and makalimutan. Im usually okay,kasi my whole life lagi akong kinakalimutan ng tao and im not saying this to be a sad girl, I'm the responsible panganay,hindi ako sakit sa ulo so the adults are used na hayaan nalang ako kasi im not that high maintenance and alam nilang i wont make trouble. Kaya nakakalimutan lagi nila ako or iniiwanan and i din't wanna dissapoint them kaya I took care of myself. Sanay naman ako admin, but nung naiwan ako ng mga friends ko i have never felt so lonely being alone. I have friends naman, usually sa schools may 1 or 2 friends maximum ako but lagi ako nagta transfer so we dont talk anymore kasi out of touch na. I really miss and i still consider them as my friends pero that was nung first sem lang ng grade 11, i ate lunch magisa na kasi naglulunch na sila and hindi na nila ako ina aya. Kada pupunta silang cr,walang aya. Hindi na nila ako kinakausap, im just a normal classmate nalang and masakit in my part kasi i wanna be close with them. Nung may nagtransfer na student nung grade 12 i feel like sya yung pumalit sa position ko sa group, sila na yung nagpipic, may gc sila na wala ako, sila lang yung nagala and nawala na ako. I feel like they forgot about me na. After them nahihirapan na ako mag be friend ng group kasi ang dali kong mapagiwanan and i fear na nadala ko sya sa college. How can i know admin if i can handle socialising?if kaya ko makipag friends sa mga blockmates or classmates ko? What if i messed it up again? I don't wanna be alone admin, I don't want people to ignore and forget about me again ☹️ Idk if i can handle it personally,yung mga common sense and basic sa friendships are unfamiliar sakin.. what if feeling nila im too much or i dont give enough attention to them? I just wanna be friends with everyone ☹️ Why is it so hard for me but napakadali sa lahat? Ive been thinking a lot of things this past few days, if tama ba yung course na kinuha ko, can i really handle college? Can i really make friends with them if Im so different kesa sakanila?I dont think na i can relate to what their hobby or like is. I feel like im spiraling down again and again and I'm just fearing everything, I don't wanna be alone, ang layo ko na sa mga comfort person ko then magiging magisa pa ako sa new school?its a new environment and i just wanna fit in.I'm sorry sa pag dump and thankyou kasi i feel a little better taking it out and sharing it. Naghihingalo, Win.